Today we just had a demo-return demo of the 5-point ophthalmologic exam. We were assigned by two’s and my partner in demonstrating the gross eye exam and pupillary reflexes is Jhing. I tried to conquer my negative thoughts especially since Jhing knows that I am such a clumsy and forgetful classmate. And so I greeted her “Hi Jhing!”, more of to calm myself. We proceeded, with me as the examiner.
I tried to ease my tachycardia with deep breathing, a concept I learned from traditional med lectures of Dr. Galvez-Tan. My heartbeat eventually became normal but I noticed a different chilling/tremor sensation in my body specifically on my face. Weird. I then said to myself, “kaya mo yan” hoping to perform well. But to cut the long story short, I did not succeed again. It was fail, even if that was just a simple activity and not even at the level of an OSCE.
The problem is I suck doing PE in front of people. I could not take a good command of my voice, which apparently becomes soft as I try to avoid a pressured speech. I could not speak in English spontaneously, and this also happens even when I am speaking in Filipino. Mental block at its finest. I am beginning to think that my memory is really starting to betray me. I have noticed this already way back in second year proper. I already miss that feeling of being a good memorizer, that young boy who loved to learn and not easily forget the wonderful concepts of general science.
The only funny thing I can think of when these happen (and they happen most of the time, and will happen again in the next times) is that I have to master all these failures while I am still a medical student so that when I become a doctor, these would never happen again. Maybe I am just an OC-type of person, so keen with perfection that I am not satisfied with what I have just done. Maybe I look to much with my errors. Or maybe I am just one of those persons who cannot see the good in the bad. Maybe my classmates are already thinking that failure is my friend. And the latter is close to the truth as I have noticed in my blockmates.